A Year And A Day.

Yesterday I was on Facebook looking through it's "On This Day" feature and it let me know that it was a year ago that I had entered an outpatient program for feeling suicidal. I had been that way for a long, long time. I felt great if I was at a concert and hanging with my friends but obviously, I couldn't do that. And so I hid it.

Last November I finally came out and told my psychiatric nurse that I see every couple of months. She asked if I wanted to go to the hospital or do an outpatient program. It turns out that the outpatient program was in the same office complex and my doctor was the one who saw the patients.

On that day, I entered what turned out to be about 6 weeks worth of four intense and stressful group therapies a day. It was a lot of work too. I made a couple of friends too. I believe I was discharged on December 28th. I looked forward to going back to the old ways that had put me there. Namely, sleeping all day and staying up all night...and worse, isolating myself. 

Isolation is what got me in trouble in the first place. I just refused to leave the house. Mom and I would decide to go out to eat, and I would ask if we could do it tomorrow. And tomorrow turned into a month. And Mom would get annoyed with me. She can only understand it so much and who could or would blame her? And when I did decide to go out, even if it was an errand that I could do on my own, my Mom had to be with me. The only time I would drive on my own and by myself is when I went to concerts. But even towards the end of last year, the concerts where I only had me and myself going, Mom would ride along and read in the car while I saw the show. If it was far enough away, we'd get a hotel and she would read there.

I pretty much knew that I could not allow myself to become like that again. So I adjusted my sleeping...I already had to a certain extent because I had to get up and go to PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) and when I got home, I tried really hard not to take a nap. I thought I would take it slow and start at being up at 10:00 a.m. I would wake up and color or go on the computer. And I was back to isolating.

I also started seeing a therapist, who was wonderful. She helped me to look at things differently. I stopped seeing her in July when it was clear that there was no benefit to seeing her anymore. Now I have a stand-by therapist to help when I need her.

In April, I went and became a member of the new YMCA that they built in Citrus County. And it was a long time coming. I'm sure a lot of people automatically though "YOGA!" or "EXERCISE EQUIPMENT!" I thought "POOL!" It was due to open on May 1st, however, the pool didn't open until two weeks later. It is under a retractable roof that wasn't finished...and still isn't as of this writing.

On June 8th, I went to a water exercise class and I loved it. Afterward, I swam laps for another hour or so. But I also knew another thing, and my Mom did too, that I would only last going a few more times and then I'd quit. That's my modus operandi.

A year after I first entered PHP, and a little over five months since I started going to the YMCA I can proudly say that I'm still going. And going early in the morning...I'm in the pool by 7:30 a.m. I go on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. The women in my class are hysterical and I have made friends. I have only missed five days - three for swimmer's ear and two for tropical storms (one of which the Y was actually closed. The second it wasn't.) I have not once blown off a day. Last week I woke up earlier, couldn't stay awake, and then went back to bed and hopped right back out to get ready to go forty minutes later. It has never been a matter of when I was going to go, it is was a matter of I'm going. The week I missed because of swimmer's ear nearly killed me.

I started going to the YMCA in order to socialize and be around people. I started because I knew I needed to get used to going out by myself without my poor Mom in tow. I had to face people on my own as well. I needed to start a routine, and I succeeded beyond any measure that I can ever have imagined.

But something else happened. One that I certainly never expected because all I changed was to start swimming and because of medication I was taking...I lost weight. From July 2015 to July 2016 I lost 13 pounds. From July to now I lost 30. More than one medication causes weight loss, and I have hypothyroidism so I never thought twice about losing weight. This is just an added bonus for me!!

Last week, there was a gentleman at the YMCA filming the newest facility (Our Y is under an umbrella organization called YMCA Suncoast that has a number of different facilities.) I had emailed the director once telling her how grateful I was and how much it meant to me. The message was relayed to the Aquatics Director who asked if I would be willing to be interviewed. I jumped at the chance because not only I wanted to sing their praises on how much they have done for me, but I also wanted to say that I have bipolar, but look. I'm fine. I'm not violent and I'm not any of the things that society brands on me for having bipolar. I'm me.

In closing, I thought I would post the before and after pictures that the cameraman asked for.

This was my life...for a year and a day.

 Early 2015. My friend is Chopstick, the Chinese Alligator

Taken November 10, 2016