Betrayal

Everyone has been betrayed. In writing this, I looked for a long time online to get a practical definition. I didn't find any that came close to what it actually feels like. So I fell back on literature - my old standby. 
I chose Dante's Devine Comedy. The imagery of the betrayers in the ninth circle of Hell made perfect sense to me. 

In Dante's Devine Comedy, the final and ninth circle of Hell was reserved for Satan...and betrayers; those that betrayed a person with whom they had a special relationship with. In that Circle, betrayers were in a lake of ice, in four distinct circles. With their betrayal, they denied others love, and love is God. Because of that, they are the furthest from Him and all human warmth. Only the remorseless deserve to suffer in the ice, far away from the light of love they turned against. Even if they tried to justify their actions by human reasoning, they made the choice to betray, and in doing so, contorted the love in their hearts so grotesquely that it ruined their relationship with God.

The four circles (or rounds) in Cocytus - where the lake of ice is, represents four distinct acts of betrayal. The first round is Caina, after Cain, who betrayed his brother Abel when he murdered him. This round houses betrayers to their kindred and their heads are out of the ice and they can bend them in some protection from the freezing wind.  The second round is called Antenora, who as a Trojan soldier, betrayed his city to the Greeks. In this round lives those that betrayed their country by committing the act of treason. Their heads are also above the ice, but they can't turn their heads against the wind. Ptolomaea is the third circle, named after Ptolemy who invited his father-in-law Simon Maccabaeus to dinner and murdered him. Traitors to their guests lie in the ice with their tears freezing in their eye sockets, sealing them in a visor of crystal. Judecca is the fourth round. Named after Judas Iscariot, who betrayed Jesus. This final round's residents are suspended in ice in painful contorted positions, unable to make a sound.

Sharing the lake of ice, waist deep and suffering, is the ultimate betrayer - Satan. In Dante's Devine Comedy, Lucifer has three faces, all of which are crying with blood and pus. And each mouth is chewing for an eternity on a prominent betrayer: Marcus Junius Brutus and Gaius Cassius Longindus (who were responsible for the assassination of  Julius Caesar) dangled from the right and left mouths. The center mouth - and the worst - is reserved for Judas Iscariot. For an eternity, Judas will have his head gnawed on and his back shredded. Having been an angel, Satan still retains his wings, and it is from their flapping that produces the cold winds throughout Cocytus. 

Consequently, violence (the seventh circle) and fraud (the eighth circle) are above treachery. I can only guess, but maybe Dante's thinking was that violence and fraud are tangible crimes? Violence leaves victims, but the perpetrators usually have motives, even if we don't know what they are. A house that is burglarized has things missing from it. With betrayal, a person makes a decision to severely hurt and incapacitate emotionally someone that they once cared about. The people who they hurt are left not only dealing with the pain of a sudden loss, but they also have to deal with the fact that a trust was violated. And that can make them question the trust they have placed in everyone else.

Every relationship is built on trust, feelings, respect, care, compassion, laughter, and love. All of these feelings are ripped from away at one time. It leaves behind confusion, shock, extreme pain, and anger. 

According to Monica A. Frank Ph.d., betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person can go through. There can be no such thing as betrayal unless there's love there to begin with. The trust that is built is violated. When trust is built up and then violated, it leaves people reeling. It changes our perception of them - and everyone else.

And unlike an illness or a death, a person made a hurtful, deliberate, and careless choice to treat people that way. And mostly, the situations could've been handled differently and shouldn't have lead to where it did.

Dr. Frank also states that a betrayal is a loss and needs to be worked, and as with any loss, will go through the stages of grief.  And really, it makes sense. A betrayal leaves a person with overwhelming emotions so intense that they don't make sense. Working through the stages is essential. And it is important that during the healing process, write grief letters, angry letters, sad letters. Pretend that a letter is being written to the betrayer, and say everything you want to tell them in person. Just don't send it. It's very important that these emotions are acknowledged and that they are perfectly normal.

And unfortunately, this is something that everybody goes through. 

I'm sure that you have figured out that I'm not just writing about betrayal because I thought it would be a peppy blog. I had this happen to me last month. I've known this person for almost as long as we've been in Florida, and I was a part of something that was amazing. And now it's gone. Because of a perceived misunderstanding. I trusted this person implicitly. When I was hospitalized in 2005, the person drove up, picked up my Mom (who couldn't drive because of a broken ankle,) and came out to see me. I don't think I ever told the person how much that really meant to me. But it doesn't matter now then, does it?
  

After the initial shock, I began wondering if we were ever really friends. Then I began wondering if any of my other friends felt the same as this person did? It made me question myself. Is there something wrong with me? Am I the person that this person is saying I am? God, I must be a horrible person. And I thought all this obsessively. No matter what I was doing, those thoughts were always there.

I looked back on the situation, and yes, there is something I could've done - kept my mouth shut. Otherwise, I think I handled it true to who I am as a person, and what was best for me. 

Finally, I joined a highly recommended bipolar Facebook page and asked what other people did when this happened. You see, I've been betrayed before, but I have never been betrayed to the point where the person used the exact same symptoms that I have with bipolar. This person took something that I had shared with them, in confidence, and blamed me because of it. And, unlike other illnesses, evoking a mental illness is always used in a negative way.

And that made me question what others think of me in regards to my illness. I am open about bipolar because it is something I feel people should know. But society actually shames people suffering from a mental illness. Sometimes I question whether I should say anything out of fear. Usually, my attitude is if they can't accept me, so be it.  It is wholly different when the negative stigma comes from someone I trusted. It was a kick in the gut that sent me into the stratosphere.

I needed a plan, goals to work through to keep myself from falling into that dark pit that I've frought so very hard to not only emerge but move away from. I hunkered down and forced myself to go to the YMCA (I had missed a couple of days) and I was doing really good with not thinking about it. But this person, in pure hubris, sent a "communication" almost a month after the initial incident. I replied to it three times. The first two will never get mailed. The third is the correct response. I hope I'm done with this situation. It should never have happened...it literally was that stupid. And this latest thing is so really, really ridiculous that after being upset for a few hours, I actually saw the humor in it.

How has it changed me? I'm hoping that it didn't affect me much, actually. Of course, this person pops up in my mind sometimes and I still feel anger, but I don't dwell on it.

I can't control how this person feels. As far as our friendship goes, I have no regrets. I don't think time spent with this person was wasted time. I had a great friend for 13 years. I don't know what happened about that, but so be it.

I have taken responsibility for my part. I have asked that person for forgiveness. I have asked God for forgiveness. I am almost at a place where I can forgive this person, even. Make no mistake, I don't want the person in my life ever again. I have other friends that I know I can count on. I have been blessed with friends that I have had for years and years. But to forgive? Yes, I think I can do that. Forgiveness is a process of grief. I have to learn to forgive in order to allow myself to open myself up again. I want to compliment strangers and strike up conversations. I want to be me, and I won't let anyone take that from me. I hope that I will never allow myself to be treated like this again. I doubt it, but there is always hope!!